Bucket & Broom in China Read online



  Bucket & Broom

  in China

  Steve Howrie

  Bucket & Broom in China. Fiction, humour.

  Copyright © Steve Howrie 2016

  The right of Steve Howrie to be identified as the Author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act, 1988. The characters in this book are fictional, and any connection with real people (living or dead), is purely accidental.

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed or electronic reviews.

  Cover design by Steve Howrie.

  *****

  Table of Contents

  About this Book

  Prologue

  August

  September

  October

  November

  December

  January

  February

  March

  April

  Postscript

  About this Book.

  This is Simon Broom’s fictional blog, relating the adventures of Simon and his side-kick girlfriend Julie Bucket as they experience and learn about life in China, international teaching and each other – as seen through Simon’s eyes, ears and everything else!

  Many thanks to all the former members of Suzhou Writers and Artists Group for your feedback, encouragement, support and suggestions – without which this book would never have been written. Thanks also to everyone at the Suzhou Bookworm for hosting our group, and for being so thoroughly nice! And thank you to all the other wonderful people I have met and worked with in China. (Do I get my Oscar now?)

  Apologies in advance for any bad language from our fictional Julie – unfortunately, that’s just how she is. Over to you Simon…

  Steve Howrie

  Suzhou, China, 2016.

  Prologue

  My Mum told me that because I was good at school, and had a positive attitude towards life, I should go far. I don’t know if China was far enough for her, but that’s where my girlfriend Julie and I ended up. It was a journey of discovery, in many ways, and I’d like to share it with you – starting with one day in August when I began to write my amazing blog (Julie told me to say ‘amazing’). I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

  Simon.

  August

  Saturday 7

  Returned home from Portugal. It was a great holiday – except for the nasty rash and the near death experience (when Julie playfully kept my head underwater for five minutes whilst she chatted with one of the waiters). The hotel was comfortable, but we weren’t so keen on the cockroaches. Not for dinner anyway.

  On the flight back, we were given one of those ‘Holiday Feedback’ forms. Julie put on the black wig she’d bought in Portimao, and we thought it would be a great laugh to complete the form as follows:

  Names: Prince William and Kate Middleton.

  Address on holiday: A cave in the mountains of the Algarve.

  Opinion of your accommodation: It was a cave, for god’s sake!

  Opinion of the resort: It was the last resort.

  Would you recommend it to anyone: Yes – Mummsie. See how she likes to live without hot water and cable TV for three weeks.

  I handed the form back to the stewardess, and we waited for her reaction, expecting guffaws of laughter. Instead, she picked up an intercom and spoke into it very quickly. No doubt sharing the joke with her mates. But no, when we touched down in Manchester, two airport security men whisked us away to a room with no windows and asked us lots of questions. We spent the next two hours trying to convince them that we weren’t really the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, had not stayed in a cave, and my mother was not Queen Elizabeth the second. We were released on the condition that we will never, ever impersonate Will or Kate again – and we’ve been black–listed from any future Royal events.

  Sunday 8

  It being our last day of freedom before going back to college, Julie and I went to play golf at the local course. When we arrived at the first tee, a familiar–looking bloke asked us if we fancied a threesome. Julie saw red and hit him over the head with a four iron, shouting ‘Pervert’ – and stormed off down the fairway. I apologised profusely to the man, whom I now recognised as the Club Captain. I gave him a couple of Kleenex for the blood and ran after Julie. When I explained who he was, and told her this was a common golfing term, she said: “Well, he looked like a pervert, and I didn’t fancy him anyway”.

  After digging up a substantial part of the course and losing twenty–seven golf balls, we went into town for a drink. I needed it. One drink turned into two, three and four and I’m now having difficulty writing this down. Better go to bed – it’s back to college tomorrow.

  PS: I do love Julie, despite her idiosin… idiosync… strangeness.

  Monday 9

  I hate Mondays. For one moment this morning I seriously considered packing it all in and going to work for Richard Branson. He had no educational qualifications, and it didn’t do him any harm. Do you have to be a virgin to work for him?

  It was the first day of my Food Hygiene Course – and it was very, very scary. I’ll never look at food in the same way again. At lunchtime in the canteen, I asked the serving girl to check the core temperature of the burgers on the hot food counter. If it was less than 93 degrees Celsius, there was no way I was going to eat them. She gave me the same look as the security men at the airport. Then she explained that she couldn’t check because the girl that does the testing was out for lunch. I told her that I was a Health and Safety Officer (well, I might be one day), and she magically found the probe thermometer.

  The temperature of the meat was only 67 degrees. She tried to tell me this was well within the tolerance levels. I told her it was not within my tolerance level, and proceeded to warn all and sundry in the refectory – particularly the sundry – that the food was not safe to eat. I got a bucketful of dirty looks, but I did notice that a lot of people left their food. I went for the salad, which I ate with a supercilious grin.

  Back in class, I discovered that the minimum safe temperature is actually 63 degrees. Anyone can make a mistake.

  Tuesday 10

  Learned more about bacteria today. Did you know that one thousand bacteria can become a million in just one hour forty minutes at room temperature? Found myself itching and scratching far more than usual – to the consternation of my classmates.

  Decided to give the canteen a miss for now, and met Julie for a pub lunch. The way she held me underwater on holiday has left me with a very bad impression (a thumb–sized mark near my right ear) and I wanted to make sure she still loves me. I couldn’t just come out and ask her, though. Went all round the houses, but did eventually get to the point. “Why wouldn’t I love you?” She replied. So that seems okay then – though I still don’t know why she exchanged email addresses with the waiter in Portugal.

  Had a couple of drinks in the pub – then a couple more. Felt very relaxed during my afternoon seminar on Food Hygiene Law. I didn’t even need to take notes! The legislation will all come back to me one day – hopefully.

  Wednesday 11

  A much better day. Got over my post holiday depression and went to play football for the College in the afternoon. Scored an unbelievable goal straight after half–time. A screamer into the top left–hand corner of the net – the keeper had no chance. Unfortunately, it was our own goalkeeper (I’d forgotten we’d changed ends at half–time). The manager says he might rest me for the next game. At least I’m not dropped.

  In the evening,
Julie came over and we had sex (she has me booked for every Wednesday and Saturday). Afterwards, we watched a strange Tom Cruise film called Magnolia, where frogs fall from the sky during a thunderstorm, and a swimmer is scooped up by a plane and dropped into a desert in Australia. Julie said that the film summed up her life. Julie is definitely a deeper person than she seems on the surface. I’ve no idea what she’s talking about half the time.

  I invited Julie to stay overnight, but she said she had something else to do. What could she possibly have to do at one o’clock in the morning, other than sleep?

  Thursday 12

  I think Tracy Jones has got a crush on me. I don’t think she knows about me and Julie, because she keeps saying things like, “What time do you go to bed, big boy?” And “It’s so hot in here, doesn’t it make you want to take all your clothes off and run around naked?” I really should tell her that I’m spoken for – but I must admit I like the attention. It is a bit embarrassing hearing this during lectures though.

  At the lunch break, I met up with Julie again. I wanted to tell her about Tracy – thinking it would give her a laugh. But then I remembered the holiday survey and decided to keep quiet. Julie told me she’d started learning Portuguese (presumably for our next holiday together) and reeled off a string of foreign sounding words. I recognised Bom dia, Por favor and Jose Mourinho, but struggled with Eu te amo, and Posso eu ter o sexo com você? Julie told me they were just items on a restaurant menu.

  I asked her if she was free that night, but I’d forgotten about her kickboxing classes. She’s quite a girl, and I’m very lucky to have her (on Wednesdays and Saturdays).

  Friday 13

  Whilst I hate Mondays, I really do like Fridays – it’s my second favourite day after Saturdays. Or is that before Saturdays? Our lecturer, Dr Samms, has promised us a visit to a scientific laboratory next week. It’s a place where they test food for harmful bacteria and viruses. Lunch will be provided.

  “I quite like the idea of teaching,” I told Dr Samms today. “Could you give me any tips?”

  “Yes – stay out of schools, colleges and universities,” he said. He’s got quite a sense of humour has Dr Samms – and he said it with such a straight face!

  Really wanted to see Julie tonight, but will have to wait another twenty–four hours. Instead I phoned home and spoke to dad. “How’s things?” I asked. “Your mother’s run off with the dentist, we had a fire in the garage, and your fourteen–year–old sister’s pregnant.” I laughed out loud and said, “You’re a scream, dad – can I speak to mum?”

  “I told you, she’s run off with the dentist – and we had a fire in the garage and Tara’s pregnant. What’s so funny about that?” I said I was really sorry and would come home as soon as I could.

  Not long after I’d come off the phone with dad, the doorbell rang. It was Julie! She said she’d come round to tell me she can’t see me tomorrow – she’s going away to Portugal for a while. I said, “What about your studies?” She said Paulo (her waiter friend) has got her a job in a hotel in Portimao – and she was very much in love. “I love you too, babe,” I said – completely missing the point.

  Saturdays are definitely better than Fridays. I think I’ll give Tracy Jones a call tomorrow.

  Saturday 14

  Tracy Jones is very ‘interesting’. I asked her if she’d like to go out for a drink, and she said she was tied up just now. I said (jokingly), “I’m good at undoing knots,” and she replied, “Who wants to get untied?”

  Phoned Dad to ask about the state of the garage after the fire. “It’s an abortion,” he said flatly. “I’m sorry,” I said, “what’s the damage?”

  “Oh, it’s free – National Health Service.”

  “For a garage?”

  “No, I’m talking about Tara’s pregnancy – to hell with the garage.”

  “You must miss Mum,” I said sympathetically. The way he broke down in tears on the phone seemed to confirm this. “Well at least you won’t need to pay her dental bills any more, Dad,” I said.

  Sunday 15

  I miss Julie SO much. No girlfriend, no job, no hope. Read my horoscope in the Sunday paper – it said: ‘With Jupiter in your sign, this is not a good month for you. You’re a loser. But you never know what’s around the corner.’ Does anyone really believe this rubbish?

  Monday 16

  Received a phone call from Eunice at the job agency. “Sorry, no suitable jobs at the moment in Food Safety,” she said, “but how about a job in China?” I told her that pottery wasn’t really my thing – then realised she meant the country! Didn’t know what to say, other than “CHINA?”

  “That’s right,” she said, “Shanghai.” Yes, yes, yes! I slammed the phone down in complete euphoria. China – who would have thought it! Then realised I’d no idea what the job was. Phoned Eunice back and found out it was working in an International School – teaching English to top–level Chinese students. And there’s a job for Julie too.

  “Wow, they must be really desperate to want us!” I joked with Eunice.

  “Yes,” she said, “they really are.”

  Phoned Julie right away. She’s still in Portugal of course, so I reversed the charges. “I’ve got a new job. How would you like to go to Shanghai with your wonderful boyfriend?”

  She wasn’t sure who I was talking about for a minute; then realised it was me and said, “Why would I want to go there? It’s full of midges, it’s always cold and wet, and I don’t like whisky.” Apparently she thought Shanghai was in the Scottish Highlands. When I told her where it really was, she said, “Oh, all right – but I’ve nothing to wear.” I tried to explain that this was a life choice, not a dinner date, but she couldn’t quite get it. I think I’ll have to change her medication.

  Tuesday 17

  When Eunice asked me if I wanted the job, I thought I’d got it. But no – I have to be interviewed. Apparently a Chinese professor will phone me tomorrow from Shanghai.

  Wednesday 18

  Had my interview today with Dr Jessica Wang, the school’s Principal. Seemed to go pretty well. The beginning and end were good – not sure about the middle part though. Thought I’d be really clever and use a bit of Chinese (the girl at my local take–away told me how to say hello and goodbye).

  “Knee–how,” I said.

  “Oh, you speak Chinese! That will make things much easier. Women zai zhao pin Shanghai xuexiao de ying yu laoshi…”

  I didn’t want to fluff the interview by admitting that I couldn’t understand a word she was saying (except Shanghai), so I just kept saying ‘okay’. The last thing she said was “Zai jian.” So I said the same, and that was that.

  Thursday 19

  Eunice phoned to say I’ve got the job! So learning a bit of the local lingo really paid off. Couldn’t wait to tell Julie. She’s due back in England today.

  Met Julie at the airport. She looked radiant – great tan. And she had a couple of tattoos on her arm – one of which read: ‘I love Paulo’. I thought at first this was the name of the waiter she knew in Portimao, but she insisted it was the name of a Portuguese beer. I’ll have to try it. She said the tattoos were temporary, and would wash off… eventually.

  Julie was thrilled at the news of the China job – but she seems to have no idea of distance. “Can we commute to Shanghai?” she asked.

  “What, from England… every day?” I said.

  “Yeah.”

  Friday 20

  Booked our airline tickets today. Julie asked if we could fly with Virgin Airlines – said she really likes Richard Branson. I said I liked him too, but Richard doesn’t actually work on the planes. She was disappointed, but we booked the flights anyway. So we’re off next week – hurrah!

  Saturday 21

  A bit of a hitch today. Julie said, “Don’t forget your passport!” My heart sank to Australia: only two days left on mine – HELP! Fortunately, there is an emergency Fast Track way to renew your passport. Unfortunately, it costs an arm
and a leg. If it was someone else’s arm and leg, I wouldn’t mind, but it would probably be mine. “May wenty,” I said. That’s more Chinese I’ve picked up – I’m almost fluent now. No idea what it means though.

  Julie and I are throwing a going–away party for some friends tonight. Looking forward to that.

  Sunday 22

  Urghhhh! I’ll never drink again.

  Big celebration last night. Invited all my friends (Tony and Chris) and danced to seventies and eighties music, whilst consuming an obscene amount of alcohol. Julie was very funny. Invited all her closest friends, so she said, but she didn’t even know their names! And they were all male. (Except for the one with the pink wig, whom no–one was really sure about.)

  Monday 23

  Started packing today. Julie suggested I take my golf bag. “Why?” I asked. “They’ve probably never even heard of golf over there.” Y’know, Julie does seem a couple of marbles short of a full set sometimes, but boy can she be smart.

  “We don’t put golf clubs in the bag, Simon, we put clothes in. Do the maths…ten pounds per kilo for excess baggage adds up to three hundred bloody quid for thirty kilos. But sports bags only cost fifteen pounds for thirty–two kilos.” She’s a genius; but I have to say I was a bit miffed when she put all her clothes into the golf bag, and none of mine.

  Phoned mum to tell her we were all packed. “Where are you going?” she asked. Christ, knew I’d forgotten to tell someone! She took it well though – but only because I told her we would be commuting every day. She’s still with her dentist friend.

  Tuesday 24

  Got my new passport today! Nothing’s stopping us now.

  Wednesday 25

  Another little problem: no visa. Not even Julie knew this one. “Couldn’t we buy one on the plane?” she asked. “Richard could help us.” What can I do with her? Got to go to the Chinese Embassy to get a tourist visa. Well, we still have a few days before the flight – we can pick up the visas tomorrow.

  Thursday 26

  Life’s a bitch, and then we fly.

  Friday 27

  Finally got the visas today. Everything’s done now – tomorrow we’re off!

  Saturday 28

  Well, we would have flown if someone had got the date right. No names, but it wasn’t me, and Julie’s looking very guilty. Decided to get out a bunch of DVDs to pass the time, and watched ‘Crash Landing’, ‘Mayday!’, ‘A Wing and a Prayer’, and ‘Panic in the Skies’. Thought these would put us in the right mood for the flight. Afterwards, Julie asked me to check our insurance.

  Sunday 29

  Arrived at the airport – just in time. We were last ones to check–in, but Julie says that’s always best because you get your luggage first when you get off the plane. Sort of last on, first out. Said it worked for her every time.

  Boarded the 737 Airbus and Julie selflessly gave me the window seat. She’s good like that. She said that if she could see how high we were off the ground, she’d probably jump out of the plane. Interesting. After five hours she began to realize that travelling to Shanghai every day was not on. “Perhaps we could just come home at weekends?” she said.

  After flying for thirteen hours, she gave up saying ‘Are we there yet?’ We landed in Singapore airport and everyone had to get off the plane so the security guards could search for dangerous and illegal substances – such as chewing gum. Fabulous airport, including a roof–top tropical bar. Took me twenty minutes to find Julie in there. Eventually caught up with her in between a coconut palm and a man from Liberia. She’d had a few. Said she’d ‘done a bit of business’ with this guy. Business?

  Finally got back on the plane and found a man sitting in Julie’s seat. She wasn’t too pleased, to say the least. “What’re you doing in my fucking seat?” That’s my Julie – knows how to bring out the best in people.

  “Sorry,” he said, “I was just wondering if we could swap seats?” He was wrapped around a tasty–looking Filipina, which I took to be the reason he wanted Julie’s seat. “Look”, she rasped, pointing at me, “this is my boyfriend. He’s not handsome, but I love him, and we’re going to start a new life together in China. Why the hell would I want to leave him in a plane full of dodgy foreigners and move to another seat – just so you can get your leg around Miss Manila?” He seemed to be in shock. “And where were you sitting anyway?” she added.

  He lifted a shaky finger. “Up there – in First Class.”

  Talk about loyalty. Julie was off faster than Concorde, leaving me to spend the next five hours sitting next to the smooching twosome. Got a little sleep on the plane, in between the panting and heavy breathing (them, not me). Had a strange dream about Julie and the man from Liberia. Then the stewardess announced we were beginning our decent to Shanghai. Shanghai, China! We were nearly there.

  Couldn’t see Julie after I left the plane, so just followed the crowd to the baggage reclaim area. Very surprised by the temperature – thought it was supposed to be really hot in August, but this was very comfortable indeed – cool even. Found Julie talking to a well–dressed geezer waiting for our luggage. She’s a very social animal is our Julie. Finally, after collecting the right luggage (well, the other case looked like Julie’s), we were out of the airport and into the heat. Wow! It was like an oven. Wonder why the airport was so cool? A young woman ahead of us was frantically waving a sign reading: ‘SIC’. Well, yes, I was feeling a bit like that. Julie pointed out that this was Shanghai International College – our new school – not a question about our health. Yeah, I knew that.

  The girl holding up the sign was called Google. I thought of saying I’d like to look her up sometime, but restrained myself. The journey from the airport to our hotel took nearly an hour–and–a–half. Whoa, this is a big city – and everything looked so… so… modern! Decided to try out the Chinese I’d learnt on the plane from my book (‘Chinese for absolute, rock–bottom beginners’). “Knee–how Google, hun–gow shing run sher–knee.” Google look puzzled.

  “What language is that?” she asked.

  “Perhaps she’s not Chinese?” Julie whispered to me. Maybe not.

  Very tired when we arrived at the hotel – really knackered. Couldn’t wait to drop into a nice soft bed and sleep forever… getting sooooo tired...

  Monday 30

  Last night, someone in the hotel played a trick on us and put what felt like bricks in the mattress! It seemed very funny at first. The manager even told us with a straight face that this was a normal bed. Ha ha ha! Phoned Google to share the joke. She said that’s how beds are in China – and it’s good for your back. Julie ended up sleeping on the wooden floor, saying it felt softer. In the morning, the hotel staff still had straight faces, and we had straight backs.

  Today we both had our health checks at a downtown hospital. Bit like an MOT test for Human Beings. Seemed to test just about everything – blood pressure, heart–rate, breathing, hearing, hands and feet. Then I was taken into a small room, occupied by a strange–looking doctor with a worrying smile. He asked me to close the door and drop my trousers – then my underpants. Then he put on rubber gloves and asked me to turn around and bend over. The next thing I know I had a finger up my bum! I was out of there like a shot. Despite that, I passed the test and got my MOB – Ministry of Bodies – certificate. (I made that up by the way – there is no MOB in China. But I think there’s one in Italy…)

  Thank goodness for Google, that’s all I can say. Julie and I had to open local bank accounts in the afternoon, and we couldn’t read or understand a word at the bank, or know which forms to fill in (it seems that Google is Chinese after all). Now we’ve both got little green debit cards to access our new money.

  “How much can I withdraw with this card if I use it now?” I asked Google.

  “Not much,” she said.

  “One thousand yuan?” I ventured.

  “No, not that much.”

  “Five hundred?”

  “Too much.”

  �
�One hundred then?”

  “Less.”

  “Fifty yuan?”

  She shook her head.

  “Okay, ten yuan?”

  “No, nothing – you have to put money in your account first.”

  She’s such a scream.

  Tomorrow we meet the other teachers!

  Tuesday 31

  It was an interesting day. Julie got on very well with some of the young male staff, in particular a Business Studies teacher called Graham from Canada. It’s nice to see her making new friends. Apparently he knows how to make some quick money in China. Interesting. He even took Julie away to explain how it works. (I think they went to the photocopy room.) I talked to some of the other new teachers, including a big Arsenal football fan called Ron who’s teaching Biology. I mean, he was big – six foot five and over three hundred pounds. Yes, all types of people with many different interests. I even found a few people who said they were interested in Pedagogy, whatever that is (something to do with feet, I think). It’s a pity I couldn’t find anyone interested in the study of Education.

  I had a talk with a Scot called Hamish who said he’d also be teaching English. At least, I think that’s what he said – it was very difficult to understand him. He has a great accent, though, really funny, and the kids will love him. And it’ll be interesting to see if they can guess what planet he’s from.

  Then there was Sheila from Australia. She’d been teaching at an International school in Dubai, but got chucked out of the country after she was caught drinking alcohol. “Yes,” I said, “the Arabs are really strict about booze over there.” But apparently it was the British head–teacher who sacked her when he saw her drinking in the classroom. I think sharing the alcohol with her year nines was the nail in her coffin. In her defence, she is a Chemistry teacher and she said she was just conducting an experiment at the time.

  I got on quite well at with a guy called Klaus, who said he was from Germany. “Hanover,” he added.

  “Yes, I had one this morning myself,” I admitted. “I think it must have been the wine last night.” Klaus said he’ll be teaching Physics this year.

  “Well, that’s a whole lot better than teaching maths!” I said.

  “Why?” he asked.

  “Well, maths is so boring!”

  “Really?”

  “Yes – and d’you know why?” I said.

  “Please tell me.”

  “Maths teachers are so boring!”

  “I’m a maths teacher too,” he said.

  QED.

  Tomorrow is our first teaching day – and a new month!